Loss in life

Despair, said rabbi Nachman of Bratzlav, is the greatest sin. Despair is the collapse of hope. To despair is to believe that God's world is ultimately black and dark. Loss is the constant temptation to despair. Faith is, if not the antidote, at least the counteragent.

The first comment God makes about human beings in the Bible is: "It's not good for man to be alone". We fear loss in part because we fear being alone. A person that is alone is like a splinter chopped off the carpenter's block, without connection to something greater. Behind all the little anxieties of each loss is the shuddering fear of losing everything we care for, everyone we love. A loss makes us feel, inside, less connected.

The Human Experience

I was supposed to go to this meditation/dance event tonight that I was invited to. It's supposed to be about opening up with people you don't know. This is exactly what I want. I long to connect with others. I long for it with all my might. At the same time I am so scared of connecting with anybody. I backed out at the last minute and instead I'm going to go work out, push those weights around, beat the hell out of my body on the elliptical and go home. I want so badly to feel alive and yet I'm so scared of feeling again. I want to feel the highs but I'm afraid of the lows because I've been in a valley for so long and I can barely remember what the top of the hill is like. I want to feel the warm rays of sunshine that come with knowing that I am a whole being. I am a person. I have an identity besides...what? A dedicated employee. A dedicated gym goer?

Black Queen Speaks

So Saturday night I went to a local British pub to watch some local bands play. The first band that played was mediocre at best. The second band "Black Queen Speaks" was alright but nothing to get excited over. I ended up sitting outside chatting and yelling at random strangers (in a fun way). Towards the end of the night some lady sat down next to me and chatted with me for a bit. Right as she was leaving she suddenly grabbed my face and kissed me. It caught me off guard but I was ok with it. The only disappointing part of the night is that this new friend I made was supposed to make it but never did. Oh well. I don't know why, but since Saturday I have just been so off and blah.

Doctor's Visit

So I went to the doctor today for the first time ever. She basically reiterated what the chiropractor had already told me: There is no way to fix my particular problem and I will just have to live with my pain for the rest of my life. She did encourage me to keep working out to strengthen my core muscles in order to support my spine and to eat healthier. I got a prescription for some muscle relaxers, some painkillers, and medicine for high blood pressure. I don't think I actually have high blood pressure, I think I was just irritated by her assistant.

Today I am looking forward to staying in and relaxing at home. I was thinking of getting some wine but I'm going to just skip out on alcohol and play some video games or watch a movie. I was supposed to go to an art gallery opening tonight but I don't know anybody who will be there and I don't feel like being awkward. I am having a difficult time staying positive lately. I hope I have a good work out today at the gym.

Getting over it.

“Getting over it so soon? But the words are ambiguous. To say the patient is getting over it after an operation for appendicitis is one thing; after he’s had his leg off is quite another. After that operation either the wounded stump heals or the man dies. If it heals, the fierce, continuous pain will stop. Presently he’ll get back his strength and be able to stump about on his wooden leg. He has ‘got over it.’ But he will probably have recurrent pains in the stump all his life, and perhaps pretty bad ones; and he will always be a one-legged man. There will be hardly any moment when he forgets it. Bathing, dressing, sitting down and getting up again, even lying in bed, will all be different. His whole way of life will be changed. All sorts of pleasures and activities that he once took for granted will have to be simply written off. Duties too. At present I am learning to get about on crutches. Perhaps I shall presently be given a wooden leg. But I shall never be a biped again.” ― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Quote

The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them-words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out. The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you have said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear.

The Final Countdown

Sunday, 23rd

We didn't wake up until 11:30 due to being up so late the previous night. After getting cleaned up, we settled on going out for some quiche at Big City Bread Cafe. We ordered our food and we made our way outside to a small wooden bench where we could both talk and people watch at the same time.I slowly drank my cappuccino, enjoying the warm breeze and the clear sky. After we picked up our food, we drove around, taking pictures of interesting homes. At one point I saw a stop sign with the words 'Big Banking' below 'Stop'. I immediately threw my wallet out the window and yelled: Take that Capital One! I suddenly came to my senses, jumped out of the car and picked up my wallet.

I took a picture of a flag that said 'Dog is Love'. This is a strange place. We pulled over to take pictures of a very cool building. Unfortunately it was locked, although I managed to nab several awesome pictures of me dangling from a tree. We still had not eaten our lunch, so we drove several miles out to Whitehall Mills, an old textile mill that was converted into lofts next to the North Oconee River. I took several nice photographs of the mill itself, the surrounding buildings and some good ones of the river as well.

We found a nice shady spot to sit at and proceeded to dig into our lunch. The grits were good, as well as the quiche: It had mushrooms!

 
We then made our way back to the house so I could pack up and get ready for my flight back. On the way we picked up some Mexican sodas: YUM.

Back at the house, I set up the new wireless printer so I could print out my boarding pass. My ability to retrieve the password for the wireless network baffled Doug greatly: He thought I had somehow found the password written on a scrap of paper that he kept squirreled away. I made short work of all the left overs that we had from breakfast and the Thai food and said my goodbyes.

The Incident With The Mouse

I was woken up in the middle of the night by Kelsey saying, over and over again: A mouse in the toilet! I don't know what to do!

I walked over to her and sure enough, there was a mouse splashing in the toilet. I flushed it a couple times: problem solved. I quietly went back to bed and fell asleep.

Volcano

We woke up around nine that morning: I was very hungry. After discussing various options we settled on siri Thai. We slowly made our way to the restaurant wile Emily pointed out various spots of interest.

Siri Thai is a small place in a commercial strip. All the buildings have red brick on the outside. We order green curry, pad Thai and tilapia with mushrooms along with coconut soup and egg rolls for the sides. While we wait for the food to be prepared Emily takes me for a brief tour. She shows me the restaurant where she used to work at, the quiet spot that she would retreat to when she needed alone time and the lofts that she longed to see the inside of. We went back to siri Thai and we ordered two tea smoothies. The mango was very good. Why did the taro smoothie taste like frankenberries? I almost forgot to mention the lawyer that made it his job to police the parking lot, looking for people that were parking there to go to the football game. We watched as accosted a group that was obviously there for the game. They all went into siri Thai while under the steely gaze of the lawyer.

We took our food back to Emily's place. While we ate we took pictures of each other. I talked to her mom for a bit about work, living outside the city and briefly of politics. She seems quiet, yet talkative and thoughtful. I tried to make a good impression while still being myself.
We retreated into the cave and lounged about, talking about anything we could come up with. Later that evening one of her friends came over to try to cajole Emily into going out to a bar to hang out. We ended up getting some tacos, a sope, and a torta for the three of us. Before entering the house, we found our way barred by a gigantic cockroach on one of the steps. Emily, in a fit of fear or perhaps even rage, kicked it away. Unfortunately this also meant that she kicked it towards me. Why is there a totem pole on top of the fire place? Turns out that it belongs to Doug.

Doug is the kind of man that drinks a twelve pack, smokes weed, eats some chicken, vomits, then blames the chicken. Of course it was the chicken Doug. Of course it was. He also eats questionable meat an alarming shade of gray and enjoys Hawaiian music.

After Emily's friend left, we ventured out to get some wine. We settled on a Sangiovese. We took our wine and drove around, with Emily pointing out places from her past. It was a fantastic night: perfect for having our windows down. We stopped at a school and walked, hand in hand, through the gate to the playground. Once inside, we swung on the swings, which felt amazing. It was as though all my worries melted away as I felt the air rushing past me and I was suddenly filled with a strange calmness. We walked back to the car slowly and Emily told me she would like to go to a fair together. How I wished I had more time.

Back at her place, we enjoyed our wine while we watched a show about awful people on a reality show about poly people living in "pods". At one point we watched some of our favorite clips from the movie, 'The Producers'. I don't think there is anything that Gene Wilder is in that I don't like. My favorite line is near the beginning, when Gene is losing it and he yells: I'm wet...and I'm hysterical! Later on in the night we listened to a snap judgment show about a spelunker named Michelle, who spent several months alone in a cave and subsequently discovered that we all have internal clocks. Michelle is a French man who was inspired to keep experimenting and trying seemingly impossible feats in caves due to his admiration of Jacques Cousteau, whom he once heard say that "The impossible missions are the only ones which succeed." I wonder if I am on an impossible mission. But if I am, that makes it worth the more were I to succeed no? I believe so. I drift off to sleep.

No dreams tonight.

Fly away

Friday, 21st

I skipped out on my workout today since I was going to be dropped off at work. Work was, for a change, fairly light. I was very excited and slightly nervous about flying today which made me feel hungrier than usual. I ended up eating seven protein bars and five containers of greek yogurt. Kelsey picked me up on time (4pm) so we could head off to the airport.

I got to my plane right on time and boarded. Next to me was a boring looking guy wearing khakis and in the aisle seat was a beefy looking guy wearing head phones. I settled in and started to read a book on my kindle. After we took off, I noticed that mr. khakis had his laptop open and he spent a good five minutes staring at a picture of a penguin. All of a sudden he switched to a picture of a flower then quickly went back to the penguin. After several more minutes of this I looked over again and noticed he was looking at a video of a penguin feeding baby penguins. Odd.

The beefy looking guy next to him reached down into a backpack by his feet and pulled out a bag of sunflower seeds. He then proceeded to shovel a large handful of them into his maw. I saw one slide out of his mouth, which he pushed back in with a finger. He kept spitting the shells into a small plastic cup that he stowed in the pouch of the seat in front of him. I almost forgot to mention one other thing about mr. khakis. It is this: he ordered two cups and a sprite. Once in his possession, he kept pouring the sprite from one cup into another separating the ice from the soda. Finally he drank the sprite and threw away the cup with the ice.

In front of us there were three women that were drinking cocktails. One of them spilled her drink on her pants and got up to talk to one if the employees by the cockpit. When she came back, she announced that she had acquired a free beer and the other two women brayed with laughter. Then the one that spilled her drink got out a new pair of pants from her suitcase. When she tried to put her suitcase back in the overhead compartment, she dropped it and it fell on the head of one of the passengers.

Finally we arrived in Atlanta and I hurried off the plane as quickly as possible. The computers at the car rental desk went down, which delayed me a half hour, then the hertz people lost the keys to my rental car which slowed me down further. Finally they gave me the keys to a different cad and I was on my way to Athens.

I was extremely glad to make it to Emily's house that night, even though by then it was half past midnight. I met her outside her house. She wasn't as short as I had imagined her to be. I held her close to me, trying to slow down time now that I was there. We shared a meal and then sat outside in her backyard and talked. At one point she pointed out the small dipper to me. Or maybe it was the large dipper, i'm not sure. We drank sweet red wine and made idle chatter. It didn't matter what we talked about, I was glad to simply be there next to her with her leg resting on my thigh.

Eventually we went inside and talked some more. We went to sleep around four in the morning. I had no dreams that night.

Bizarro World

Last night I had another difficult to interpret dream.

I was visiting Hades in his realm where he was showing me some kind of contraption he had devised to trap foolish people by granting wishes. Then all of a sudden I noticed that a tear in the fabric of space appeared before us and we both decided to investigate. So we pass through it into another world where it is night-time. We were standing on a gently sloping, grassy hill overlooking the ocean. Up above us the sky was clear and filled with stars.

After walking down the hill towards the water, we noticed that there was a stone path running along the edge of the ocean. All of a sudden, a boytaur appeared. A boytaur is like a centaur, if somebody had done a rather poor job of photoshopping a guy's torso onto a picture of a horse. I didn't know what a boytaur was until my dear Emily sent me an email, with sample pictures, of boytaurs.

This dream was apparently, in part at least, inspired by that horrifying email.

Thank you Emily.

Dream

I had a dream about a haunted camp last night. I was staying at my cabin when suddenly a goul of a woman came out of the main camp building wailing something awful. She took several steps then collapsed on the ground. With her final breath she muttered "....haunted......underground". Soon after a camp counselor came out and told everyone:

Counselor: The main building is haunted...OoOoOoooo!

Me: There are ghosts?!

Counselor: Noooo, it's the foundation....it's structurally unsound because it is haunted!

Me: What about the cabins? Are they haunted as well?

Counselor: Noooo, just the main building! Oooo!

Me: Oh no! I better check it out.

So I manage to get under the foundation somehow to inspect it and sure enough there were cracks everywhere. For some reason there was an old x386 computer down there that I manged to salvage for parts.

I'm not sure how I could interpret this dream to make it make sense but there it is.

How to be human

I am reading a new book and I was struck by this passage in it:

There is a new way to be human. There has to be, because our lives are at stake. In the old way of being human, the global economy, global conflicts, and the seismic shifts of social media and technology result in uncertainty, anxiety, and apprehension about the unknown. The old way accepts the cynicism of the world with a resigned, bystander-victim mentality about life. The old way of being is built on compromises, resulting in choices that compartmentalize your life and keep you from being authentically you. In the old way, spirituality soothes your yearnings but keeps you sedated on a stunted journey that ignores much of what life has to offer. Your life is deeply affected by the old way. And yet, you have a choice. What if you quit accepting life as it is, and stop settling for so little? What if the world really can change? And what if that change begins with you?

For a while now I have been very cynical when it comes to humanity as a whole. I have allowed my circumstances, past and present, to shape how I see others and how I interact with them. I have always thought that real change can only happen if we as individuals make the explicit effort day after day to establish a new way of living in our immediate vicinity. Maybe it's time I actually practiced it.

On a totally unrelated note, I saw this new product, courtesy of the The Onion:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-roomba-blender-makes-smoothie-out-of-everythin,29539/

Egg madness

Yesterday, for some reason, Ezekiel and Malachi decided that it would be great fun to throw eggs onto the kitchen floor in an attempt to help them "hatch". Eight eggs later, the entire kitchen floor was covered in a layer of disgusting yolk. So there I was, up until 11pm scrubbing the floors with soap, trying to get the mess cleaned up. Because I have such a problem with germs related to food stuffs, I ended up bleaching the floor as well. Now this would have been bad enough, but today Ezekiel ran into the kitchen and decided to throw another egg, just to keep us on our toes. Then later on in the day, after playing nicely outside and not two minutes after walking into the house, he decides to throw two more eggs. Fine. Well, Ezekiel of course gets in trouble each time he does this so of course he learns his lesson. On the way home I receive a phone call: Ezekiel handed Malachi some eggs for HIM to throw. Apparently he thought it would be perfectly fine to throw the eggs via proxy through his little brother. WRONG!

Warrior Dash

So I was sitting in class last night texting and listening to the lecture, when I noticed that one of my classmates had an awesome beard growing. After I complemented him on it, he mentioned that he was growing it out as part of a challenge. After talking to him at length, I found out that this challenge is none other than the 'Warrior Dash' challenge which takes place once a year throughout the country and which was coming to our town next month. Well, I could not possibly resist such a challenge and so teamed up with him to take on the dangerous 'Warrior Dash'. In the back of my mind it all seemed to be a bit silly, until I took a look at the video of the obstacle course.

www.warriordash.com

Oh yeah!

City of God

I was reading "City of God" by Saint Agustin of Hippo and was struck by a bit of his writing. In it, he writes on the concept of good things and bad befalling all. He proceeds to state that although there is no difference in what both good and bad men must suffer, there is a difference in the men themselves.

"For as the same fire causes gold to glow brightly, and chaff to smoke; and under the same flail the straw is beaten small, while the grain is cleansed; and as the lees are not mixed with the oil, though squeezed out of the vat by the same pressure, so the same violence of affliction proves, purges, clarifies the good, but damns, ruins, exterminates the wicked. And thus it is that in the same affliction the wicked detest God and blaspheme, while the good pray and praise. So material a difference does it make, not what ills are suffered, but what kind of man suffers them. For, stirred up with the same movement, mud exhales a horrible stench, and ointment emits a fragrant odor."

To my horror and shame I have not been a good steward of my faith. Too long have I been despairing at my situation. It is time for me to turn around, cleanse my mind, and truly press into the presence of God for all of my needs, letting him remove the blemish upon my soul.

Hopefully my next post will be one of praise and glory for God, instead of my usual vitriol towards which I lean.

New Year

January 1st will mark our 5th wedding anniversary. I am not sure why, but it seems as though we have been married for much longer than five years. Not in a bad way, where you resent each other and dread waking up every day. Rather in a very comfortable sort of way, like when you sit in one of those old leather chairs and it's so soft that you sort of sink into and then all of a sudden you are taking a good nap in the middle of the day.

So much has changed in the last five years. I have gone from working for a civil engineering firm to working on roofs and not knowing if I am going to make enough money for bills, or even afford food. At first, when I started to make less and less money, I was frustrated and full of anxiety. I can honestly say that I never expected everything to turn out this way; with me attending a seminary class full time, volunteering my time at church, extremely poor, totally depending on the kindness of others to eat day by day. Nowadays though, I can only be calm. The more I go to class and study, the more I struggle with every little sin in my life. I'm not talking about lying or stealing, or some other sin that most people think about when they think about struggles. I mean that every little action and thought that I have is immediately challenged in my mind. It is as though there is an other in my mind, scouring every action and thought in trying to align both to a higher standard. Although it sounds as though this would be a burden, giving in to this other will has opened me up to a quieter inner life. My mind feels more at rest for a change. For this, I am eternally grateful.

Winding Down

Last Saturday I spent the day working on my parent's roof. It was a fairly easy repair, except I had to be lowered down with a rope.

It does not look like I am very high off the ground in this picture. The next one is much better at showing  the difficulty I had in climbing up there without a rope.

Other than that, it's been a relatively quiet week for me.

A day in the life.

Thomas Kelly once wrote, "Our old ambitions and heroic dreams--what years we have wasted feeding our own insatiable self-pride, when only His will truly matters! Placed in coveted surroundings, recipients of honors, we count them as refuse, as nothing, utterly nothing. Placed in the shadows, we are happy to pick up a straw for the love of God. No task is so small as to distress us, no honor so great s to turn our heads. Such loosening of the chains of attachment is easy, if we be given times of a sense of unutterable nearness to Himself. Still others obstruct this detachment, reject it as absurd or unneeded, and cling to mammon while they seek to cling to God."

That one line always keeps coming back to me, "Placed in the shadows, we are happy to pick up a straw for the love of God."

I am so excited and feel so blessed that I have the opportunity to help out at the church. Going up there on Fridays and Sundays to help with the sermon is definitely the height of my week, along with going to class on Mondays. It may sound corny or hokey, but I feel a real peace come over me when I am studying the old or new testament. I do not yearn for acclamation from anyone, but I do wish that I could devote entirely my waking time to ministry. At the same time I worry that if I had the opportunity to do so, that I would become corrupted. I suppose only time will tell. I would say that I am certain that I would not be easily swayed, but I have noticed that those who state such things usually are the ones to fall.

For now then, I shall keep a watchful eye on my actions and pray that I may be receptive and open to criticism when my guard is let down.

Hopefully I will be back again to blog about something a little less serious next time.

Tidbits

I am not sure what to post about today. So many little things have happened in the last week, which is how I came up with the title of this entry. About three weeks ago, one of my uncles offered to let me borrow an old 1989 Toyota pickup that he had just sitting around taking up space. In the words of Kelsey, it looks like I am "..driving a brown turd..". It is completely brown with a brown camper. Also, since it does not have any hubcaps, my uncle painted the wheels brown. Since I am Mexican, and therefore also brown, it gives the illusion of one turd driving another one. Other than that, the truck is great. Well, except that I have had to replace several of the parts just to keep it running. Oh yeah, and the speedometer cable is missing, so I don't know how fast I am going. Thankfully, it has a manual transmission, so I can guesstimate my speed quite well. Oh and the wipers stopped working yesterday. Also the starter solenoid needs to be replaced. Other than that, the truck is in great shape.

This past week my manager, a friend, and myself have been tearing off and installing new siding on a house for one of my clients. It has been both an interesting and frustrating experience for all three of us. I had the opportunity to witness first hand what it is like to always think you are right and everyone else is the jerk. I can understand the need to always be the one who is correct in order to elevate oneself above others, but it still saddens me when I see it in those from whom I expect so much more. What adds to this is the exasperation that I feel when I see someone act in what they deem to be a 'holy' way, look down on my music for being 'secular', and then immediately turn around and start arguing and yelling when they don't get their way right away. I truly hope that tomorrow when I go back to the project to finish it off everything goes much smoother.

Tomorrow I will add a couple of pictures of my turd vehicle. (^_^)