January 1st will mark our 5th wedding anniversary. I am not sure why, but it seems as though we have been married for much longer than five years. Not in a bad way, where you resent each other and dread waking up every day. Rather in a very comfortable sort of way, like when you sit in one of those old leather chairs and it's so soft that you sort of sink into and then all of a sudden you are taking a good nap in the middle of the day.
So much has changed in the last five years. I have gone from working for a civil engineering firm to working on roofs and not knowing if I am going to make enough money for bills, or even afford food. At first, when I started to make less and less money, I was frustrated and full of anxiety. I can honestly say that I never expected everything to turn out this way; with me attending a seminary class full time, volunteering my time at church, extremely poor, totally depending on the kindness of others to eat day by day. Nowadays though, I can only be calm. The more I go to class and study, the more I struggle with every little sin in my life. I'm not talking about lying or stealing, or some other sin that most people think about when they think about struggles. I mean that every little action and thought that I have is immediately challenged in my mind. It is as though there is an other in my mind, scouring every action and thought in trying to align both to a higher standard. Although it sounds as though this would be a burden, giving in to this other will has opened me up to a quieter inner life. My mind feels more at rest for a change. For this, I am eternally grateful.
No comments:
Post a Comment